Late summer of ‘92. Bent over, arms on knees, resting, trying to recover from a long hard row against the tidal current. Pleased with this not-so-easy accomplishment. Too bad there wasn’t an audience, someone to do the clapping, to deliver accolades. She is no longer here, my wife. Perhaps she is with him right now. Having a morning coffee, or sharing a shower.

Back then, before the recovery, I was adrift and afloat in self-pity. Wondering for the hundredth time. What did I do to deserve this? Why me? Why did our friends abandon me too? The questions unanswered, floating out to sea, then sinking.

It’s was like this for a while, owning this deep feeling of loss and hope. Still expecting her to show up at our favourite dock-side restaurant, her smile radiating, her arms open. At home the deck lights were always on, waiting her return. Sitting at the window, watching the rain, waiting for the taxi.

The emotional steps leading from the first shock of betrayal to the cleansing action of divorce is similar to the steps dealing with death. And in the early stages I sometimes preferred death. Friends tried to help with their professional advice, mostly they said it will get better with time. “You’ll be fine.” “You just need time to heal” That was a good one, like if it were only as simple as a broken leg, or hole in the hull. Those I could fight, those I could understand. Friends told me about:

- Denial
- Anger , resentment and fear
- Withdrawal and grieving
- Acceptance
- Action

Did I listen then? I said I did, but in the early stages it’s impossible. Months later, visiting a friend in a hospital room I found myself saying the same things. My words sounding terribly false and hollow against his real pain, his discomfort and fear. “You’ll be fine” In his case, like mine, it was true, we both recovered.

I remember my anger, experiencing it as feeling down or depressed. Left unresolved, this anger could have ruined my career, business opportunities and my health. All of these feelings lowered my sense of self-worth and self-esteem. At this point, motivation and drive to try new things disappeared, resulting in less and less confidence in my abilities.

I began to worry and over-think, creating feelings of anxiety. I worried about many things, especially not ever letting anyone into my life. I could justify being a castaway, safely at anchor, alone. I continued to have work problems and developed a sleep disorder. I found comfort in plotting fanciful revenge. If left unchecked this pattern would continue into a downward spiral, creating more fear, more anger or depression lower self-esteem and more worry and anxiety.

The simple truth is that I had a good marriage with a good wife. She left. Yes I had generous feelings of betrayal; how could she do this to me? I had constant feelings of loss. Driving our car, turning to see the passenger seat empty would fill me with unseen tears. Somehow things changed for me; sure the counseling helped, but mostly the change happened when I finally gave myself permission to move on. To accept things for what they are, to accept the new opportunities, to see the door open, not closed.

I dreaded the thought of divorce. I had worried about divorce for a long time before I had the nerve and courage to take this final action. I spend many nights saying it was OK to do it, then I’d put it off for one good reason after another. I told myself the money was too tight, knowing the lie. I told myself I would do it after the holidays, or maybe next month, or next week.

Intellectually I was aware of the immediate benefits of getting divorced, and since there was nobody seeking my hand I kept postponing, procrastinating. The day I filed my divorce papers was a day of discovery. I discovered relief from anxiety and a freedom I did not expect. The day I filed was a day of new beginnings, a day of new life.

The published author is a sailor and divorce consultant based in Canada. You may find him, and related resource material at candivorce.ca

For her traumatic wounds to heal, the victim of abuse requires closure - one final interaction with her tormentor in which he, hopefully, acknowledges his misbehaviour and even tenders an apology. Fat chance. Few abusers - especially if they are narcissistic - are amenable to such weakling pleasantries. More often, the abused are left to wallow in a poisonous stew of misery, self-pity, and self-recrimination.

Depending on the severity, duration, and nature of the abuse, there are three forms of effective closure.

Conceptual Closure

This most common variant involves a frank dissection of the abusive relationship. The parties meet to analyze what went wrong, to allocate blame and guilt, to derive lessons, and to part ways cathartically cleansed. In such an exchange, a compassionate offender (quite the oxymoron, admittedly) offers his prey the chance to rid herself of cumulating resentment.

He also disabuses her of the notion that she, in any way, was guilty or responsible for her maltreatment, that it was all her fault, that she deserved to be punished, and that she could have saved the relationship (malignant optimism). With this burden gone, the victim is ready to resume her life and to seek companionship and love elsewhere.

Retributive Closure

When the abuse has been “gratuitous” (sadistic), repeated, and protracted, conceptual closure is not enough. Retribution is called for, an element of vengeance, of restorative justice and a restored balance. Recuperation hinges on punishing the delinquent and merciless party. The penal intervention of the Law is often therapeutic to the abused.

Regrettably, the victim’s understandable emotions often lead to abusive (and illegal) acts. Many of the tormented stalk their erstwhile abusers and take the law into their own hands. Abuse tends to breed abuse all around, in both prey and predator.

Dissociative Closure

Absent the other two forms of closure, victims of egregious and prolonged mistreatment tend to repress their painful memories. In extremis, they dissociate. The Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) - formerly known as “Multiple Personality Disorder” - is thought to be such a reaction. The harrowing experiences are “sliced off”, tucked away, and attributed to “another personality”.

Sometimes, the victim “assimilates” his or her tormentor, and even openly and consciously identifies with him. This is the narcissistic defence. In his own anguished mind, the victim becomes omnipotent and, therefore, invulnerable. He or she develops a False Self. The True Self is, thus, shielded from further harm and injury.

According to psychodynamic theories of psychopathology, repressed content rendered unconscious is the cause of all manner of mental health disorders. The victim thus pays a hefty price for avoiding and evading his or her predicament.

Sam Vaknin ( samvak.tripod.com ) is the author of Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited and After the Rain - How the West Lost the East. He served as a columnist for Global Politician, Central Europe Review, PopMatters, Bellaonline, and eBookWeb, a United Press International (UPI) Senior Business Correspondent, and the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in The Open Directory and Suite101.

Until recently, he served as the Economic Advisor to the Government of Macedonia.

Visit Sam’s Web site at samvak.tripod.com

People’s enthusiasm for theatre in London needs no further justification. And, with the declaration that the worldwide smash hit Dirty Dancing the musical is going to hit the United Kingdom very shortly then this interest is absolutely not going to decrease any time soon!

The movie Dirty Dancing starring Jennifer Grey and Patrick Swayze is a story devoted to dancing and its music songs created such a age that they still lead various people’s preferred movie songs of all time. After the movie’s global debut in nineteen eight-seven, it went on to get a notorious status worldwide and its musical adaptation seems to be making as much an impression in theatre halls all around the globe. It has been extensively remarked that all the well-loved music songs from the film’s soundtrack, such as Do You Love Me, She’s like the Wind and Time of My Life, are found in the stage show as well as several original numbers. With in excess of thirty six million soundtrack albums sold thus far, the theatre show is forecasted to observe thunderous applauses at the start of each music song that the actress sings. Even though the story of the Hollywood movie has been modified for the stage, specific key moments & beautiful scenes from the first script have been retained within the musical show. Get your hands on cheap, discount tickets for Dirty Dancing and Hairspray the musical.

A Romantic theatre show, Dirty Dancing is the story of Baby and the love she shared with her dance instructor Johnny. The conclusion of this well-known love story illustrates the power of love to overpower all difficulties. Given that the Hollywood movie is completely dedicated to dance, the moves in the motion picture are overwhelmingly sensual & the same has been replicated in the musical show production of the story.

In Australia the musical show has already enjoyed wonderful success. Each and every show was again & again fully sold out for the complete 14 month run. In London as well, if advance bookings are any clue, then the musical play should be a superb success & masses of people are forecasted at the entrance hall of the theatre!

Dirty Dancing tickets are currently on sale for evening shows at the Aldwych Theatre. Advanced showings start from twenty-ninth September with Dirty Dancing the Musical having its first real public performance on the twenty fourth of October.